I’m pretty sure I say this every time it’s a holiday, but, SERIOUSLY, Halloween is my FAVOURITE holiday of all.

I take a lot of pride in coming up with a clever costume, putting all of the pieces and going out and waiting for other inebriated people to laud me for my creative efforts and, dare I say, successes.

This year, I let my home country’s deplorable presidential election inspire a bit of fun for me. I’m going to go ahead and assume that everyone saw that video of Donald Trump telling reporter Billy Bush that you can just, ya know, grab women by the pussy when you’re a celebrity, BECAUSE THAT ACTUALLY. HAPPENED. MY GOD.

The U.S. voting system is kind of a weird, hot mess, so my vote won’t count much in the grand scheme of things (my state always goes to the Democrat because there’s a big city full of smart, worldly people voting there and swinging it).

However, aside from the ballot this pussy will cast next week, I decided to “grab back” with my costume:


Do you get it? Do you see the fake blood dripping from my nails? Do you see how I fish for Halloween compliments?     

Now, columns are already self-serving enough, so we won’t chat much longer about my outfit, which racked up 80-something likes on Facebook, making me feel like a celebrity that could, according to Donald Trump, sexually assault someone without reprimand. (Don’t worry, I’m not interested in testing the waters.)

Instead, I thought it would be a nice to show you a good Halloween choice before we segue into what NOT to do on Halloween ever again, and that’s appropriate another race or culture in order to look ~cute~ or whatever the F it is you think you’re doing in that Native American headdress.

Surprise of the century: that costume you’re wearing has actual meaning to someone else, and the fact that you’re throwing it on to get sloshed is a big-ass sign of disrespect. Seriously, crack open a history book (or Wikipedia page, I will be lenient if you wake yourself up) and learn that most Native American tribes gave these headdresses to someone who has been selfless, courageous, and honourable… It could have come from a well-fought battle of war or words, so long as the end result protected or even bettered the tribe. It’s very rare to be awarded with one, so imagine how it feels to see your life’s greatest honour mass-produced and turned into a costume.  

You might say something like, “Well, why is it okay for people to get drunk while dressed as nuns and priests?”

Here’s why: your religion doesn’t represent your race, nor does it have a long history of complete and utter disrespect by other races, religions, nationalities, etc. The Native Americans are just that: native to America. You wouldn’t know it by how they have been treated by self-righteous white people who scooped up their lands, sent them off to reservations and thought that those bits of property made things okay. It’s a disgusting history that I am paraphrasing too hard (again, crack a book). But the fact that anyone would dress up in a costume that degrades the Native Americans culture is just the shit icing on a very shit cake.  

Now, I know it’s Halloween and it’s my FAVOURITE holiday (until Thanksgiving rolls around and I’m drunk on sweet potatoes and stuffing) but have fun at your own expense. Or at the expense of a presidential candidate who is the same hue as my Cheeto-stained fingers. But, SERIOUSLY, **STOP** appropriating a cultural item with such great significance. I am going to go ahead and assume you’ve done nothing courageous, honourable or selfless enough to deserve it.

P.S. Could someone please pass this blog along to Hilary Duff and Chris Hemsworth and every other celebrity who continues to make this horrible mistake?   

— Andrea Marchiano

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